Trailer of the Week: Alien 2: On Earth

No, not the Alien you know and love. Not even Alien. You probably don't even know about this one.

Alien 2: On Earth is an unauthorized Italian ripoff of the Ridley Scott classic. I'm not sure about the budget, but I assume this was made for about twenty bucks, and that's being generous.

Don't watch if cheapo effects scare you. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

Yeah, the trailer kind of speaks for itself. The film itself is very obscure, and was pretty much impossible to find until they released it on Blu-Ray.

Trailer of the Week: The Astro-Zombies

The Astro-Zombies (1968). Perhaps the cheapest trailer I've seen in my life (it even gives Drive-In Massacre a run for its money).

Featuring Tura Satana, better known for her role in Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965).

The Attack - early short film

We paid the art department a lot of money for this.

Since my other post with old short films seemed to go over pretty well, I dug up this gem and decided to post it here.

"The Attack" was probably the first of a series of improvised short films, shot from 2011 to early 2012. These films were almost always slasher, and were known for their intense violence and breathtaking special effects. Not to mention brilliant soundtracks. We made this one in May of 2011, before I even knew what a "Director of Photography" was.

Yeah... uh... I know. This was mostly written by my youngest brother, which pretty much tells you all you need to know.

Funny thing, we even made a sequel to this, "The Attack Part 2". I'll post it whenever I find it...

And stay tuned for FOLLOWED, the long-awaited cult classic from Screenriff Productions!

'Manos' in HD

For those unfortunate readers out there (all five of you!) who haven't heard of Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), it's a low-budget horror film considered by many to be the worst movie ever made. And just to put that into perspective... I mean worse than M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening (2008).

And things get real when you start comparing films to The Happening. (All jokes aside, I'm still a fan of Shyamalan's earlier work, and I hope he gets out of this bad movie slump with After Earth. But I'm getting sidetracked here.)

Fittingly, Manos was directed on a bet by a fertilizer salesman in El Paso, Texas for $19,000 and currently holds the #6 spot on IMDB's list of worst films ever.

It was nearly forgotten for decades until it was featured on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and since, Manos has gained a cult following. Anyone who's seen it will know, this "horror" film is hilarious. Just not in a good way. Bad acting, horrible editing, and don't get me started on the writing. In short, it's a terrible film... but a memorable one.

Which is exactly why this guy is restoring it for a blu-ray release.

From what I know, a reel of 16mm film was found in a storage locker. And the reel turned out to be a rare print of Manos. It was different than the VHS version-- it had a different opening shot, for one. Not to mention the VHS was cropped from the original edition (which made for some awkward framing). Sure, the film print was damaged-- but with work it looks like it could have been shot last week.

I'm actually pretty psyched about this. It's a bad film, yes, but it's also a very fun bad film. And for years, the only available version was on VHS, and in comparison, the restored edition looks like a totally different film.

Unfortunately I was a bit late to this party, so I missed the restoration's fundraising. And I don't think the online shop is open anymore (which stinks, since I'd pretty much do anything for a Torgo shirt).

I've seen the first half of Manos, as well as bits and pieces of the rest, but after I heard about the blu-ray I decided to hold out for the restored edition.

For now, check out this interesting Entertainment Weekly article on the film.

What's the worst film you've ever seen?

Planet of Dinosaurs (1977) Review

Now here's a little gem. "Planet of the Dinosaurs" is probably one of the better b-movies I've seen so far.

Funny thing, it starts off almost exactly like Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985), except, of course, it's in space.

After their ship crash lands on a planet very similar to Earth, some unfortunate astronauts discover they're not alone...

You guessed it. Dinosaurs. And pretty good dinosaurs at that; for a low-budget 70s film, the stop motion effects were surprisingly good. If you've ever tried stop motion, you'll understand why it's impressive.

It's funny how similar Dinosaurs this is to the aforementioned film. The two films even share a berry picking scene (however, the berries are poisonous in The Dino Disco Movie.)

The rest of the plot is kind of obvious. They attempt to survive on the planet until they can be rescued, battling dinosaurs along the way. Sure, the pacing slows down near the middle, but eventually picks back up again. For a b-movie, it seemed relatively concise, with clever dialogue (at least compared to Beast Creatures) that kept it from becoming dull or tedious.

The acting was so-so. Sometimes it was better than others, but overall it was watchable. The same goes for the directing and editing.

One thing that helped this film is that, unlike many other b-movies, it actually contained a few subplots. The characters were even (somewhat) developed, making it easier to care and empathize with them.

Unfortunately it suffered a problem that many films like this face. I've been thinking about b-movies a lot lately, and have come to the conclusion that a big problem is that many of them don't have a clear protagonist.

Sure, we have our "main characters," but even in the group, it's hard to identify who's the main main character. There isn't one in this film. One minute the story leans towards one person, but then it seem like the other person is our lead, and eventually we have no idea who the protagonist is.

Still, it's an interesting film, and definitely worth a look if you can find it anywhere. As of now it's on youtube, but that's definitely subject to change due to those annoying copyright laws.

Is it a good film? Heck no. Fun? Yes, very. And that's all it tries to be.

Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985) Review

"We're just letting the forest get to us."
-Actual line spoken by a character after a man melts in a pool of acid and another man is devoured by beast creatures.

I never thought an 80 minute movie could last so long.

Attack of the Best Creatures is a film worse than its title. I’m almost proud of myself for having the willpower to sit through the whole thing.

This film begins with a title card— 1920, for some reason. Not only was this redundant (there was no reason for the time period), but the 80s soundtrack doesn’t fit in at all with the 20s vibe they must’ve been going for.

Anyway, it opens to some people in a lifeboat, just after their cruise sank. After a good ten or so minutes of nothing at all interesting, their lifeboat ends up on a heavily-wooded island, where they plan to make shelter. The long lifeboat scene would have been a great opportunity for character building, but unfortunately that isn't the case here.

They get out of the boat, and almost immediately notice that one of the men has been mysteriously wounded with a deep gash on his chest. After closer inspection, they find that he is still alive. No one knows who or what did this to him.

So they leave him alone on the beach while they set off to find food. And that's when the real fun begins. Or at least as close to “fun” as this film could possibly be.

Other than the brief acid pond scene (a nice touch, in my opinion) nothing very interesting happens here. We wait 20+ minutes for them to pick berries, argue, pick more berries, and then argue over who picks berries. Then, we have an excruciating 7+ minute campfire scene where none of the characters discuss anything we don’t already know (or care) about.

Here's actual line spoken by one of the characters during this scene: "I'm frightened! This place is starting to make my skin crawl." (Remember, this is after two people have been mysteriously killed off.)

That’s my main problem with b-movie horror. Your effects can be as bad as heck and I could care less. No, the thing that bothers me more than anything is the character development you see very often in films like this.

I’ve found that many decent horror films follow two different patterns. Some have a slow build up before any killing (The Shining, for instance) but the interesting characters and masterful foreshadowing make it an entertaining film.

Then you have group 2, which are films without much buildup or character development, but the gore (while not preferred) is usually entertaining enough on its own. You don't need much character development for Friday the 13th Part 30, for instance, though as long as Jason stabs a bunch of people the audience is happy.

The problem with many b-movies is that they usually suffer a long, slow build up with characters we could care less about. Not a good mix.

And that's the case with this. We have a 30+ minute build up (a large chunk of its slim 80 minute runtime) dedicated to nothing in particular. There are no subplots, and scarce character development.

The main tip off that this was going to be horrible is that the filmmakers didn't care enough to give their monsters a proper name, instead sticking with a very generic "beast creatures." Even something like "Attack of the Homicidal Demon Men" would have been better.

The monsters, by the way, are not very beast-like nor “creatures.” More like “critters.”  They're tiny red humanoid puppets with big glowing white eyes. Unfortunately, they have no real back story. One brief shot near the end shows about ten of them standing around a large beast creature idol of some sort, but no explanation for this is given.

Still, the creatures are pretty unique looking. I've never seen anything that looks like the beast creatures, so I give the filmmakers props for originality.

The remainder of the film is spent with the characters walking through the woods, hardly ever talking. They’re constantly being attacked by the beast creatures, but the attacks are so unconvincing and relentless that the film becomes repetitive and dull.

And pretty soon (about forty minutes, though it feels like hours) the film is over. There isn't really a payoff or anything— it just ends. Sure, the montage during the final chase scene was interesting. And yes, I can kind of see what the filmmakers were going for in this scene, but unfortunately it all fell flat for me.

It would have been nice to see some sort of subplot. Entertaining dialogue and likable characters would have at least made the long walks bearable.